Grief defined – Jagmohan Singh Dhiman

I have been wanting to write on this topic. I don’t write quite often. One of the reasons of it is that I write only when I have strong feelings on the topics. These feelings are so strong that on any day that thought remains intact. And such incidents happen infrequently, hence the laziness.

One fine day, I was enjoying my Saturday evening with my family. I was cracking some lame joke, the usual stuff. Now cracking jokes is a tricky business. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes not, sometimes it offends the listener and on very few occasions it brings a bad realization of insensitivity to the speaker. Apparently, the more such occasions of realization occur the more smarter you become.

You might have come across a song by Jagjit Singh Chithi na koi sandesh. The song briefly translates to an expression inquiring a dear person who hasn’t been in contact for a while. Usually I don’t remember the lyrics of many songs. However, most of the songs I like are driven by the meaning of the lyrics. For me, this song was a sad ghazal. So by distorting the lyrics to fit my joke, I would sing the caption to anyone not responding to me. And it happened on the Saturday evening when I jokingly sang this song to my mother, when my father interjected with a trivia.

He said that this song was sung by Jagjit Singh post the death of his son, Vivek in a car crash. This was a shocking news to me. One, a celebrity of Jagjit Singh’s stature losing his son must have been a big news of its time. Two, this legend was so dedicated to his work that when reality transformed him to grief, he transformed it further into a reality through this song. My father goes on to say that Jagjit was in depression coping up with the loss. That’s the beauty of the possession of knowledge, it never is dispersed in the rut but only when required.

To me this was an eye opener. Now I listened to the song with all my attention. The lyrics of the song are so deep and justify what he was feeling. To part with someone you have lived forever is devastating. To lose a dear and young one forever is traumatizing. The thought of using the same hands, which nurture a child, to lay them in their grave can melt mountains. And somewhere it did inside me too. To add to it, since it was a car crash there was nothing he could do about it. With the lyrics

Ek Aah Bharee Hogi
Humne Na Sunee Hogi
Jaate Jaate Tumne
Aawaz To Di Hogi
Har Waqt Yehi Hai Gham
Us Waqt Kahan The Hum
Kahan Tum Chale Gaye
Chithi Na Koi Sandesh

These lines replicate the pain in such simple ways that is disturbing to the brain.

There is a thin line between being insensitive and being demeaning to someone. When it involves dignitaries of the highest form the line is even thinner. To understand this and implement in life is another challenge because the brain is not programmed for such trivial stuff. Besides making fun out of situations like these expedites the entry to the category of imbeciles. Learning this, from the incident was invigorating.

Since this became an intriguing topic for me, to find what happened before and after the incident, I followed few documentaries of Jagjit Singh. The person was gifted with such a melodious voice. One of his lesser known songs, Baat niklegi to door talak jayegi is another masterpiece which gives you a heartfelt piece of his mind. But the real transformation happened post the unfortunate incident. The songs became much profound with the voice spinning the magic.

The legend continued his journey providing his voice to poems of Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee to entertaining the audiences with Bollywood songs. This day – 10th October, six years back (2011) the maestro left for his heavenly abode. To remember him and his legacy is the least I could to pay my gratitute. Hope people keep following him for many more years to come.

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Most beautiful space in the world – Memories

​Its 12:15 in the night and I am going back from a tiring day of work. I take a cab and move  out of the corporate jungle – Gurugram (yeah that’s what it is called now). I am stuck in a jam on the toll road. I don’t believe my eyes how the roads can be packed with millions of cars (yes we live in india where millions is nothing). Traffic jams are all about patience and I have none after a complete day of work. I ask the driver what could be the reason of the jam, he says it is an odd day when there are many weddings. 

People have put their car’s  engines off.  They are out of their cars lighting each others cigarettes. The atmosphere is as if it is never going to end. I am watching a movie “the great dictator”. The movie is a  classic. Suddenly I hear a lot of noises. I see baloons in a bus. I hear loud music. I see the bus filled with students. They are enjoying themselves. There are laughs and chuckles. These students are least bothered about the jam. And my heads rolls into a flashback.

I’m reminded of the time when we would go to college trips. I could find the same joy these students were experiencing in my head. November used to be such a happening month. That bus outside the college at night, teachers in their casual avatar, everyone in their night clothes,  some with parents and some packing at the last moment. A thought in everyone’s head to be with their friends for the next few days and enjoy to the fullest. The dumb charades, dance, talks, games would never end. And we used to think this is what is meant to unwind, what we did not know that we were unwinding the whole college period.
Ah! That hurt!
 The emotional pain was relieved by the short-lived balm . The jam was cleared. We were off to 100km/h, the speed of our lives now. 

Bitter-to-sweet goodbye!

It takes a lion’s heart to start a conversation and break the ice. It takes even more to say goodbye to a loved one.

Life is such a puzzle. It makes the bitter sweet and takes a second to transform a sweet to bitter. I believe, it’s an art to be comfortable with anyone. The awkwardness at the start probably kills the brain with million thoughts. The courage then kicks in and you begin to familiarize. And there you go. There is connection, be it in a stranger in train, a jaywalking person inquiring directions, a distant relative’s visit etc. In every instance, the connect is possibly the most essential part. The deeper the connect, the longer you have known and the ease becomes effortless. Yet nothing stays forever and there are goodbyes.

I have spent a part of my childhood dealing with goodbyes. I used to live in a joint family. Relatives and friends would keep visiting and keep the house in a jovial mode. But when they used leave, it would devastate me. I, in my usual self would keep thinking about the good times. Sometimes, I would loathe the happy moments cause they would make me feel sick once they end. But that was childhood. You pass most things being helpless about it. Or you wait until you grow up.

Skip past all these years. I started to realize the extremity of this problem. I think at some stage we all do. One of my close friends changed class sections and that was it. I had enough. I started this game of fooling my mind. It’s a pretty simple one. We have done it with children while feeding them. You play with the brain and the brain accepts it. Most of the times, you know that you will leave someone. (NO! THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT BREAK-UPS) The only thing is the belief and the thought of being at a distance. To realize this thought, you may fool your mind to start believing of the distance before the actual goodbye. Now the tricky thing is to not act aloof. That would end you up in another trouble. Once the mind feels the goodbye, the thoughts are accustomed and the impact is deferred.

It is said that time can heal everything. A time travel can make the healing quick. A mind travel can do that even quicker. Its been sometime that the trick helped me out. College friends, colleagues and family, every goodbye was smooth. I don’t think I have become cold-hearted to the one’s who have left. Neither do I call myself strong. Yet I think I have got used to the change coming to rescue me from my comfort zone. And every uncomfortable day teaches you more about the present.Because living in the past as well as the future both can ruin your life.

—————————–Post Script————————————

I know I have not written for a long time. And the comeback post is on ‘goodbyes’. Although it’s not a million-follower blog, I am not closing the blog. I was just busy with some heart-felt goodbyes in the past few months. I am hoping to write on more topics. I do this great activity of capturing a thought whenever it passes my mind. I just write the thought somewhere and once I open the blog, it flows in. I feel this is a great activity to calm a mind. Writing can destress a lot. An instance of this was when I  logged into the blog after 3 months and read the last post. It was such a bliss. I fell in love with my intellect and thought to start this second innings of Undulating Life.

How adulthood thugs you life

Some things are certain in life like the Christmas being peaceful every year , the new year with family, no major changes in the new year so on and so forth. On the other hand there certain things which do not have a specific time of arrival. They can hit you tomorrow or can make you wait for years. One such thing according to me is Adulthood.

Adolescence is a sweet phase. You learn so many things. You have so many questions.  You get the answers to those questions easily. Life is wound around few trivial stuff which seem magnanimous. The control of your life may not be much in your hands but it remains well within the reach. You seem to know that in sometime you will be independent. The pinnacle for which you were taught so many things.

And then adolescence ends. It is the time when people know that you are no longer an adolescent. People also have known your adolescent nature and secretly expect some changes. Even though a person would not have a specific time when he goes through the transition. The reasons could be a relationship, a family tragedy, a failed exam anything. But it happens with everyone.

Life is never the same. The problem creater is now the solver. His words are heeded not to give answers but to get answers. His ways of getting everyone’s attention changes. That is what some of us had craved throughout our adolescent lives. Yet something is lost in a way. Something that was never valued previously. Something that never seemed to have any use. Something that was considered the definition of living – Balance.

Since the ship has got a new captain it is not the captain who mostly drives it, it is the sea which takes it to places. When there is sun the captain is busy making new ventures on the ship. When the rain gods roar the captain is on the steering wheel trying to fight the sea’s ways. The captain always waits for the weather to be clear. He keeps waiting because he has known a world where the sun rises bright one day.

Unknown to the sea the captain fights hard. Yet there are instances when the captain feels he has had enough. He wants to break free from the captain’s role where people expect more than they should. More importantly, the definition to the captain role is different for everyone. For some it remaining calm and serious. For some it is to beat the sea at its game. And that makes adulthood even more challenging period. This sometimes leads to a situation when you want it to get over because you don’t want hear anything. Much like this scene.

Unlike the scene in the movie there is no situation where you can say OVER! There is no stop or pause button either. The misery will never end. Some day you will get accustomed to it and begin to enjoy it. That is when I suppose adulthood arrives. Until then the sea remains the master and you remain at the receiving end.

A lethal combination

The world today is moving fast. Every second million thoughts are born and they are materialized subsequently. And these new ideas are being vented out in the form of a new revolution – Startups. This new term has caught the eye of every single person who has big aspirations. In a sense it is a place for absolute meritocracy, where the good flourishes and the mediocre meets an end. Hordes join Startups and even greater numbers are in the making. A good idea with a good team may sound the perfect combination to make it big, but I am no expert. Possibly a lot more goes into fusing a good combination but those things are not visible to a human eye. I happened to experience a combination recently which is by far lethal in every sense.

To a common man a lethal combination could be USA and Russia fighting as a team, Roger federer and Rafael Nadal playing doubles, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates starting a new venture and even Whatsapp merged into Facebook. Similarly to some Royal blue with beige is an exquisite combo and to some ice-cream and cola. All these combinations can be regarded as good but they are not lethal. A bunch of techies putting their life into a startup might come close to being deadly, but when these frustrated individuals are given a piece of enjoyment that’s lethal.

70 startup junkies at their only party in the year when are laced with alcohol and a dance floor to rock, took it to the next level at a nearby bar. They have worked their ass out for the delivery of a product which might stand in Zuckerberg’s way in becoming the richest guy. All the sleepy nights, all the power discussions have burned down and now its the time for them to let their guards down. Let the pain of bearing every client’s abuse go into every shot of vodka and every beat of DJ. The music gets loud and these innocent souls are going all over the places in the bar. The alcohol seems to detoxify everything. The DJ is scared to not adhere to any of the request from these junkies would mean a massacre. Wild party moves are entertaining the people out there for a quick dinner. For them its a live comedy show watching dancers of varied quality. The bartender is busy filling in the glasses with fancy drinks. And everyone seems to loosen up the usual monotony. One thing that sneaks out of everyone’s eyes is that these junkies are bearing the agony of not only working hard and not being much appreciated for it but also are missing out on a fair number of opposite sex.

Enter 3 hot chicks. The only girls in the startup who realize that they were born with not-so-boyish attributes. Its their day to let the founder know how messed up the sex ratio is in the startup. They have done away with spectacles and have donned beautiful gowns. Two of their teammates bypass the girls to be strangers. Yes, the alcohol can give you such magical moments. Until someone on the dance floor recognizes them. And the crowd goes berserk. For any song that is played now is dedicated to the girls. If the DJ plays “Unchi wali heels pehen ke dance basanti” (literal translation – Dance wearing high heels), everyone pretends that these basantis are wearing high heels and they make them dance. Insane !! With every song the antiques get innovative after all they are creaters of the next big thing. Their energy seem to never drain cause they were prepared for bigger marathons and this is just a cakewalk.

I wonder how amusing can some combinations be in life. How things that we never thought of come into existence and bring in the inevitable change. How these inexpressive incidents take the form of words and make a story. Its these little unusual joys and thoughts that make and break life. A toast to another happy day! and many more to come.

Wondering about them I take a leave from the bar, thanking my stars that I am not working at such a place.

Premonition – My simile

This scene is something what I can say is the present order of my life. A scene which defines it completely with every detail. I’m sure everyone has seen the epitome of love stories – “Titanic”. For the ones who haven’t – My sympathies will walk you back to your cocoon.

Its so amazing when a movie captures your past with great sincerity. It is even mesmerizing when you know it will reenact the present as well as the future. Just look closely into Rose’s eyes, filled with so many desires and plans. She has everything settled in her head. Passion, confidence and hope through those shimmering eyes makes a dejected Jack believe of what Rose has in future for him. He finds the very thought of this newly found dream crazy. Yet they know it. A perfect simile where you have a chimera making you do all sorts of nasty things. Just like Rose, you catch hold of your destiny and infuse it with your beliefs. How you want to just make it believe that it will be how I think. And how it keeps showing you your dreams as bizarre illusions. Oh poor Rose!! My admiration for your trust is beyond horizons.

While you are busy creating your ethereal space, while the Almighty in reality like Mr Murdoch(1.33.39 in the video) is sniggering at this happy scene. A surprise awaits their joyful lives. If someone is watching Titanic for the first time it one nail biting scene. And just like the expression on Frederick Fleet‘s face (in the featured image at the top), you know how the next phase is going to be. You have a premonition. This is what I have now.

I can see the iceberg. I have the bells and phones. The captain has started to rudder the ship away. The lower gates have been closed. Yet I fear the fate. For once let the iceberg move its way and let the dock present a rosy welcome. For this is what I been waiting for some time. For Kate knows nothing but to love Jack. Cause I know everytime there comes this iceberg, the titanic hits it. It is so painful to see the titanic sink and with it the most illustrious love story too. There are many ships let the iceberg sink those this time. Alas!

The winds have started to blow, cause it is that time of year which is real slow.

The captain is ready to sail, yet the premonition prevails.

Mr Murdoch has his hands on the bell, cause he wants everything to end well. 

Enchanting the icebergs to fail, yet the premonition prevails.

Impediments, hardships the titanic will hack, for its Rose to meet her Jack.

Not every time will I derail, let the premonition be pale.

ADIOS UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

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Worst Heart Break

So I am no love guru. And if you thought this post is all about my experience on break ups I’d be happy to disappoint you. This piece is something more serious and dreadful than a break up. I happen to encounter this incident a few days ago in Metro and I had an instant heartache.

It was a usual morning. Sunny day, children with their bags, grown ups with their suitcases readying up for the day. As a child, this moment used to be the hardest for me to leave my beloved home for the atrocious school. Later college changed this mindset, of late office seemed to have revived that vibe again (Hi Boss I know you are reading this).  Meanwhile I am standing at one of the Metro Stations to board a Metro to my office. I see hordes of corporate junkies around me. These people know the exact time when a Metro arrives , even when the metro is running late (they seem to have an organized network i suppose). And then there are the pretty ladies straight out from a fresh bath queuing up with their wet hair . Everything seems so clockwork. The metro arrives and the amazing race to snatch a seat begins as if it is the throne of the seven kingdoms (Game of thrones fans might relate). I have over the course of time left it to Gods above to find me a seat. But there are many who know that “Bhagwan ke bharose mat baitho kya pata bhagwan aapke bharose baitha ho” (read as Atheism rules).

Now the deadly sin is about to take place. One such lady packed with all sizes of bags trips and spills the food packed in one of those millions bags on to the floor. There you go !! I see 2 hearts instantly broken. One who got up while the alarms clock thought its still night and put in all sweat to cook the food in time. And the second is obviously the one who would have had the privilege to eat it. The misery does not end there because now she does not have anything to eat. Along with that she has to see the spilled food like a funeral of a close one. To add to that the knowledgeable crowd now has all sorts of advice, judgment ready as if they were waiting for anything like this to happen. Sympathy is pouring in from all heavens. The whole coach feels obligated to the wretched who packed the food and wants to mourn this unfortunate incident. I am reading my newspaper and feeling sorry for the food. Cause food surpasses any love story and any break up. It needs no affection it needs a good connoisseur.It satisfies your needs as well as makes you forget all misdeeds.

The lady gets down on the next station. The people are back to their business. And I am recovering from the heartache trying to console myself its the food and not the feeling that office is here.

Do I have a reason to write ?

A very pressing question while I write this piece of my mind is “Do I have a reason to write ?”.

The first thing that comes to my mind while I hit every key on my laptop is that I have gone insane. The fact that neither do I have any proficiency (Spell check tells me my spelling of proficiency is wrong. Again !!) in writing nor do I know what will I be writing. This brings me to a logical fact that I might be in need of a psychological vent (I don’t even know what that means..Sounds cool though). Or is it that I need an immediate assistance from a psychologist ? Well, let’s not get too real.

Writing a blog is not something that I am doing for the first time. I have done it in the past which by all means broke all record for my naivety. The blog had my daily account of one of my summer holidays while I was preparing for a highly recognized and an overrated exams. The blog taught me one thing how things changed in all these years. How my thought process, priorities and people around me revolutionized (Yes, I used to be quite different back then). And sometimes the person who can motivate you the best is you – the person of Christmas past (Christmas carol eh ?).

So slowly while I beat around the bush,I am getting a response on the question I raised myself at the start. When you run out of ideas to keep up the pace of life – LOOK BACK. Its been an year in the corporate world .And things have changed every freaking day. Sometimes I feel like a fat man running on treadmill.Though I have tried to remain the person I was in college but alas !

In my view, manners don’t maketh a man, its the people you be with. People around you have a lot more influence on you than you think. These are some random weirdos which you choose as your friends. You invest your time in them and quickly they become your lifelines. You stop investing in them and BOOM !! Back to random people again.

The struggle of accepting the present is one the toughest jobs. The one who has mastered it (not me, anyday) has cracked the code. But one must never forget the investment done once. The friends we make maketh us. We are our only possession. To acknowledge their presence at any point of my life I sought to write. Thanks for being there.

And for my Christmas future I’d say “Mutual funds are subject to risk. Please choose wisely“. (ifyouknowwhatimean)

Phew!! it wasn’t that hard.